


Your Voice

by hikawasrinko (ranpoandpoe)



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Gen, Heteronormativity, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Character, Minor Seta Kaoru/Uehara Himari, Minor Udagawa Tomoe/Uehara Himari, Minor Ushigome Rimi/Uehara Himari, Nonbinary Character, Questioning, Trans Character, uehara himari/shirasagi chisato if you squint, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26652691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ranpoandpoe/pseuds/hikawasrinko
Summary: That's your voice fighting back.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	Your Voice

**Author's Note:**

> tw depression, compulsory heterosexuality, heteronormativity, cisnormativity, internalized lesbophobia n transphobia / 
> 
> this is a vent fic please be careful reading it

I look up at Kaoru-senpai, their androgynous appearance and clothes, prince-like personality. They’re beautiful: do I want to be them or date them? Neither, I hear myself saying. I’m not trans, I’m not nonbinary, I can’t be. My hair is pink, the color of the girls, I wear dresses, like fashion and dolls. I’m a girl. 

I’m a girl who  _ doesn’t  _ like girls. I love my friends, all lesbians, or sapphics, at the very least, but what is a gift to them it’s a curse to me, and I manage to dodge that bullet, because I have to. When I look at Tomoe, her tall and cool persona, who’s also so sensible, who loves sunsets and the way her drum always feels like a heartbeat, one that’s synchronized with my own during the performances- 

No. All that, it’d be so attractive if she was a boy, right? If Tomoe was a guy, I’d never let her go. But she isn’t, so whatever I think I might feel-  _ might’ve felt,  _ it’s not real, it’s a simple ‘what if’. Maybe my soul used to be a guy in my previous life, and that’s where my attraction comes for- no, that’s like admitting this attraction even exists.

When I look at Rimi, with her cute, girly blush all over her face, her soft, pink dresses and feminine hobbies, I don’t want to kiss her and I don’t think a lipstick mark would look so well on her neck, I wanna  _ be  _ her, that’s all. I want to remain feminine even while watching horror movies or with my hair cut short.

I’m a cisgender girl, I’m not a trans lesbian, believe me, please. Please, believe I’m a cis heterosexual girl, so I can believe it too. Why can’t I do it? I try my best, I swear. Whenever I watch a movie, I try to focus on the guys; their muscles, the short, messy hair and the manly attitude, so why do I always end up thinking about how gentlemanly Tomoe and Kaoru-senpai are? 

The boys are on screen, why am I not looking at them instead of Chisato’s beautiful hair and blush, and the way she’s so in control of herself- no! Maybe it’s because I know her personally, that’s all. That’s probably it. But when the others comment, they talk about how Chisato’s face illuminated by the moon in a specific scene is stunning, and why is it automatic for me to know exactly what they’re talking about? 

I most certainly like boys! I remember my Twilight phase, and thinking about going on a date with Edward, where he’d put his jacket over my shoulders at night, since he doesn’t feel the cold- wait. That’s it! A phase! All girls have that phase, right? To look at their friends in another way, the confusion… maybe stare for a little more time than she should when they ask how their new bra looks.

“Chisato-san?” I call as soon as I see her. I immediately feel goosebumps; she’s delicate, but also so very strong. I just know she can pin me down against a wall with a sword effortlessly, while still looking like a lady, then whisper something in my ear, with a menacingly intense gaze… no. She’s just intimidating and not easy to approach. Cut the thoughts by their roots. “May I ask you something?”

“Of course, Himari-chan,” She smiles and her eyes are no longer sharp like a thousand blades, and I almost ask her to go back to being intimidating and unapproachable. The latter is more unbearable than anything, her sweetness being like bars of chocolate I can’t eat during a diet, but just can’t resist it. I want to consume it all, until I die from whatever too much lesbianism can be. But it’s impossible for that to happen: I’m straight, after all. Repeat it until it’s true. 

A perfectly fine, cisgender, heterosexual, skinny girl. “If you pretend hard enough… in your movies… can you stop liking girls?” Fuck. That sounds wrong. “I mean! I want to… do it… and… and… I wanna know. If it works.”

“No acting can make you stop being who you are,” She finally responds and I weep. My heart weeps. It’s okay for her, for the others, to be gay, to be trans, to like whoever, whenever, wherever, but… it’s not for me. I have to be perfect, flawless. I’m not pretty, or talented, or intelligent like they are. Being cis and straight is the only choise I have to be someone, to avoid being… completely and utterly useless. “It can make you forget who you are, make you confused, but it doesn’t change you. Neither it should.”

“I agree,” I say and it’s true. Chisato doesn’t have to change who she is, because she’s perfect. She’s meaningful and useful, she’s talented and adored, impossible to dislike, even the slightest. But there are Chisatos, but there are also Himaris. “But it should, for me. There should be a way… I have nothing else to hold on to. It’s my only chance at a life.”

I’m not talking about a  _ good  _ life, I’ve given up about that a long time ago. What I mean is, why be alive without any redeeming qualities? 

“You don’t really mean it.” What? “It isn’t your voice talking. It’s something else, I know it’s horrible. It’s confusing, isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“You know it,” Chisato has all knowing eyes, like a sphinx, reading all the secrets in my soul like a text message. “That you’re worthless if you’re anything more or less than what society requires of you. The best people don’t fit into those requirements, and I know you know that. The voice saying that this is who you should be, it isn’t yours. And you being confused is the proof: that’s your voice, fighting back.

“I’ve been through the same, all of us, from the bands, did. You’re strong, you’ve made it so far and you’re fighting. I can’t tell you the worst part is over, because I don’t know your whole path in the palm of my hand, but I can tell you that, if you can already hear your voice inside, doing its best against the system buried inside your head… that’s hope.”


End file.
